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Sep. 4th, 2003

I'm tired, and having a bit of a crummy day.

I meant to write yesterday, but my self-allotted LJ time was taken up by reformatting and reinstalling Cheetah's harddrive. I was able to muck by dragging Spotty into the bedroom while I worked (Spotty is one of our two powerbook laptops.. no web-browser, just a telnet client, which enabled me to at least get some much needed relaxation time in.



I am really starting to think a hysterectomy might be a good idea. I'm tired of being a slave to my hormones, and I'm beginning to wonder if my cycles are ever going to normalize. It's been a year and a half since the nightmare started, and it's still going. I'm so tired I'm ready to pull out all the reproductive bits myself.

I don't think I can honestly convey the tiresome reality of having constant PMS for a year. Or how it feels to be afraid to eat; for fear that I'll awake in the night in pain. I'm just... tired. I'm ready for it all to be over. Yesterday morning I snarled at Cailet and kicked at her, screaming for her to shut up... all because she was meowing, as is her wont in the mornings. It disturbed me. I'm tired of being moody, of crying at the drop of a hat... I'm tired of not knowing if my moodswings are due to hormones, or if perhaps I need to adjust my diet.

I'm frustrated. It's difficult for me to stay motivated to do *anything* these days. My weight loss has completely stopped (although I'm not gaining anymore; this is good) when I'm bleeding, and.. when I bleed for 2 weeks out of the month, my progress is so slow as to be non-existent. It's hard to be positive when it feels like I'm slogging through wet cement for every forward step I make.

I had remarked to Roho a week or two ago that I needed to rethink my priorities, and he expressed the concern that he didn't want me giving up. I'm not giving up on anything- I will reach where I want to be. I just have to wonder if I perhaps shouldn't approach the goal from a different direction. I don't know. I need to think about things, and I need to consult a doctor. Again. *sigh*

I think a lot of my problem is focus. Sometimes I lack focus, sometimes I have too much. And I can never seem to tell when I'm in either position, or do anything about it. I guess that's the most frustrating part of all. I feel so damned helpless, and get distracted by physical problems I can't do anything about.

I'm so tired of this.

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