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It's a bit later in the evening, and I've had a chance to talk to Bren a bit.

I decided to get back on the wagon and keep slugging away at Atkins. Earlier today, he suggested that perhaps it was time to be objective and try something else. I've resisted the suggestions to do so in the past because.. well.. At least when I'm trying to do Atkins, I feel like I'm doing the right thing. When I give up on that and say I'll do something else, I feel like I'm giving up... and.. well, that doesn't sit too good.

I'm not half the person I wish I was (and I could make a bad pun on my weight saying I'm twice the person I should be- but I won't.)- and that.. galls sometimes. But I'm having a hard time finding the path to self improvement to get myself to where I want to be. Weight is obviously part of it, but there are underlying issues that keep sabatoging my attempts at weight loss that also need addressing. If not now, then certainly later.

I know I will never be "popular". I'm very okay with this, as I truly prefer a small circle of intimate friends to a large group of people that think the sun shines out of my ass. No. I think I'm about where I want to be as far as the way my personality is perceived by other people. I'm
independent, honest, and I try to be fair in my perceptions of situations. I don't always succeed, but that's part of being human.

I lack motivation in my life. I'm very good at making goals and promises to myself, but when it comes down to following through, my enthusiasm wanes. Take the Animals for Awareness website. I've been working on that for nearly 4 months, and the conversion to the new design still isn't
finished. Or my own website; that's been in the development stages for nearly a year (which reminds me, I really need to renew the cheekitty domain. eep.) I started the projects with a lot of enthusiasm and oomph.. then.. trickled down to nothing. I have trouble making myself do the things I know I should; housework, exercise.. it's so much easier to sit back on the couch and muck, or watch tv, or play a game... and.. I really don't like the me that lets things slide.

At the same time though, I have to wonder if constantly worrying about obligations and responsibilities and all of that is healthy either. I think I'm having a hard time finding a good, healthy balance between relaxation and responsibility. I tend to go full tilt towards one extreme
or the other. This is also not too terribly healthy, and something I need to work on. I suspect that as I improve here, I'll find it easier to excercise willpower, and be able to progress on my other goals a little more easily. That's the hope, anyway.

So.. yes. Tonight has been one of introspection, once the depression and self-pitying angst wore off. I got home and watched tv with the inkblot.. marveling that Bren left work a good 30 minutes before me, and came home an hour after I did. Of course, the package he was bearing rather explained it. He had stopped in at Gamestop and picked up a copy of
DDRMax. We plugged it in to give it a try, and... damn, that game is addictive!!! I went through the same song 5 or 6 times til I had it down, the guys each flailed around a bit.. it was fun, and I felt it in my legs when I got off the pad. Bren's suggestion of alternating treadmill and
ddr for exercise was well noted, and I'm hoping that will be fun.

After we tired of making fools of ourselves on the ddr pad, we slipped across the street to The Continental for dinner. I know I shouldn't have suggested going- I certainly can't afford to make a habit of going out to dinner (and now that I think about it, Friday is our usual Continental night; if I had remembered that, I might not have chosen to go. Oh well.) We were treated to a lovely flash lightning show while we dined, and a nice cold downpour when we came out. We declined Bren's offer to bring around the car, and hustled out to the car. I made a disparaging remark about my short little legs, which the guys gallantly disagreed with.

I noticed that I seemed to be pretty disparaging in general on myself tonight, and I don't know if it's just acidic self depreciation, or if I actually am sinking into self-pity. I think it's just bald honesty, but if anyone sees me going overboard with it, please say so.

Lessee. What else. I think.. I think I'll leave the other things I want to write about for another entry.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
shockwave77598
Apr. 7th, 2003 08:15 am (UTC)
Motivation is hard to come by these days for a lot of us. Taking time away from the things that are causing us stress and self-loathing helps.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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