genet (enveri) wrote,
genet
enveri

I checked my bank account this morning.

I have $125 til next Wednesday.

Last night I mailed out $50 for a bill, I have a $75 ticket that must be paid before Monday, my truck is out of gas, and my cat's litterbox stinks.

Oh yah, and this will make my truck and insurance payments a week late, because I won't have the money to send them out on time.

I know I can borrow the money to tide me over from Roho. But... When will it end? I won't be able to pay the doctor's bills by the end of the month like I had hoped because of this. I already owe Roho $1200 for all the times he's bailed me out since we moved last September. I'm beginning to wonder if moving here when we did was a bad idea. I'm beginning to lose my hope and faith that 2003 will be a better year for me financially. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doomed to suffer through financial hell for some unknown sin. I mean, I can't find another job, and the expenses keep popping up out of nowhere... I feel like I'm on some giant treadmill chasing after a nonexistant carrot. It feels like no sooner do I make some progress, then something happens to shove me back even further than I was before... 1 step forward, 3 steps back. I felt good about being able to pay my rent for January, and now I'm going to have to borrow some of that back from Roho. How pathetic is it to be proud that you paid rent????

I spent 6 months unable to pay my share, when I lived in Michigan. My roommates kicked me to the curb a year ago next month. I know that Bren's not going to throw me out. But I worry that one day I'll see that look of frustration in his eyes, and know that he is angry that I'm not contributing.

I hate starting 2003 with angst, and I'm sorry folks. I am trying to keep my personal life, at least, angst free, but... sometimes I wish I could throw the rest in the garbage and just start over.
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