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Dec. 12th, 2002

I looked at my finances today; something I've been putting off ever since I discovered my teeth were going to have to be pulled.



The verdict was... not good. Last night I glanced at my bank balance and was hopefully optimistic that I could at least get some bills paid off. (Most notably my share of the rent)

I was wrong. After my truck and insurance payments and all the medical bills, I have less than $200 left in my account. $100 of that is going to be mailed out next week before we leave to cover other monthly debts that must be paid or my credit rating goes down the tube.

I'll have at least two more paychecks before the end of the month; this week's and next week.. but only next week will be a full check, and I'll have to work a full week of 10 hour shifts to manage that. I'm really kicking myself for staying home yesterday.. I should have picked myself up and gone on in to work. I don't feel any better today than I did then, and I feel somewhat irresponsible for staying home the exrtra day. And I guess that feeling of irresponsibility is contributing to the guilt/depression of today.

All of the friends I owe money to have been amazingly patient with me paying them back, and for that, I owe them big time. I feel somewhat guilty for spending money on gifts when I owe so much money. (The current tally is up to $1400 in private debts.) I'm also feeling guilty for thinking about spending the $50 my mother sent me for Christmas on myself... even though she sent it specifically for the purpose of buying some new clothes.

Yesterday I found myself crying randomly... for no apparent reason, and feeling...not quite restless, but, agitated. Nothing was soothing. I wanted to sleep; but couldn't. I tried to draw, but inspiration eluded me. I tried to play games, but just couldn't lose myself in them... and tv, as usual was inane and uninteresting.

Today, I came in to work early to try and make up for a little of the lost time... and feel much the same way as I did yesterday, sans the tears. I'm probably going to work late tonight as well, to get as many hours in as possible.

I think I can lay the blame for this funk down at Murphy's feet. It seems that every time this year that I've been on track with finances, something has happened. Back in June, it was my contacts. One started bothering me. I had to pay $300 to replace them. I got the depo shot and spent quite a lot of money going back and forth with the doctor trying to figure out what was wrong. Missed a few days of work due to the extreme side effects. We bought the treadmill- that was a conscious decision, but the contacts and depo problems happened after we'd signed the contract. Soo.. the treadmill, then moving to our new apartment was rather expensive, then I had the truck repairs (to the tune of $200), and then I did... so very poorly at MFF, more money down the drain, and now $300 in dental costs.

I'm really really hoping next year is less stressful. I'd actually like to meet my goals rather than watch them get shoved back because I have to scramble to get things taken care of.

And I do want to say that I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not soliciting "it'll be okay" messages or money (although if you want to give me money to help me through the month, it'll be GREATLY appreciated!), I'm just venting my spleen. I do that. And now that I've done that, I feel much better.

-K

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