genet (enveri) wrote,
genet
enveri

  • Mood:
Had a good weekend... feren recapped most of the highlights on Saturday.

Sunday... mmm. Sunday ended too fast. There were a few little glitches in the day, but we handled them well (and I'm probably the only one that noticed), and... it was just a really GOOD day.

Roho was more snuggly and cuddly than he normally is (That's not to say he's not affectionate, he just doesn't usually stay in bed with me until 10am.) which was... wonderful.. and.. I just.. need more weekends like that.

It's been a pretty laid back day, especially compared to what I've been going through the past few months. My training on our new project consisted of someone handing me a bunch of papers and saying 'here'. So I suppose I'm going to have to struggle through reading these flowcharts and find out exactly what I'm doing.

Workwise, as I said, it's been an okay day. Pretty slow, even, despite the usual BS my coworkers pull. Gwen stopped by and mentioned how nice it would be if I could write up a spreadsheet with all our managers and techs out in the field, so that's what I spent most of the afternoon doing. Guess she was offended at seeing me write in my paper journal or reading a book.

I want to preface the rest of the entry by saying that I am fine. I'm not in a black mood...well.. not anymore, just feeling reflective. Analytical. So please- don't read this and think I'm depressed or looking for attention. I'm simply doing a bit of self examination and trying to find a way to prevent a certain cycle in my life from repeating itself eternally.

I felt pretty good as the evening progressed... playful even, online; talking to folks I usually pretend to be idle on. Spoke with someone about a commission for some LJ icons and a full piece.. (yes! commission me for your LJ userpics!) and thought about all the work I need to get done before MFF, and how little time I have to do it in.

All of a sudden this evening, I got hit with a major mood swing. I'm feeling insecure and anxious and unsteady... and I really don't like it. I know from experience that it will pass, but.. I hate feeling like this. I know it upsets Bren, and when he tries to comfort me, I can't.. relax and enjoy it when this kind of mood is on me. I always feel like it's forced.

Legacy of my mother, I think. I see shadows where none exist. As I was talking to Bren about it (I'm trying to discuss the dark moods with him. Mostly to figure out what caused them, but sometimes talking about it helps bring me out of it, oddly enough), and... I realized that I felt rejected because he didn't respond to signals I didn't give. How's that for stupid?

It's really amazing how quickly, and how easily a person can sink into darkness, and think only of imagined negatives. An imagined rejection, coupled with frustration and a bit of outside stress... and suddenly I'm afraid that my very devoted love no longer wants me, merely tolerates my presence in his home and in his bed, and is secretly disgusted by my appearance and personal habits.

Poor fox. I swear he deserves sainthood for putting up with me. I can point to all the reasons for my insecurities. I can't forget painful memories that are etched into my mind with shame and humiliation.

Maybe one of these days, I can finally let them go. I just wish I knew how.
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