genet (enveri) wrote,

Gwen came back to our office yesterday after a 6 month absence. The atmosphere here has been... very uncomfortable, since she returned. I am sure that she's a very nice person, and a great manager, but she says things as jokes that really bother and offend me.

Right when I got to work, she came over and leaned over the side of my cube, asking how things were going, saying she was wondering where I was, and 'I know I can always depend on Lydia to show up!' with this big hearty laugh. She's the guy at the party that walks around slapping everyone on the back and laughing too loud at his own jokes. I don't know what she expected me to tell her.. I mumbled something about PJ being on the night shift being a help (it would help if he'd actually DO ftf), and things I can't remember. I just wanted her away. She went on to tell me that one of our Field Managers, BZ, was in the office, and that he wanted to meet me, because a lot of his techs had been complaining that I wasn't very friendly.

She made some comments about 'Lydia don't fool around on the phone', and others that I suppose were supposed to indicate that I was doing a good job. BZ was... very quiet, and didn't say anything to me. They moved on, and the day continued. I'll come back to the significance of him being here at all later.

When I left for lunch, I ran into Gwen in the downstairs lobby. She demanded to know where I was going, and after I told her, she started teasing me because I was wearing socks; referring to the spring when I wore mostly my birkinstock sandals without them. It made me extremely uncomfortable, because I remember her telling me that my clothing and attire was unappropriate when I was first hired... and it was because of her that I had to go out and spend meager savings on proper business attire. I'm very self conscious about my appearance; my clothes are worn and old-looking from frequent laundering. Made my escape when she turned to talk to someone.. but the worst was yet to come...

Later that day, Gwen and her manager, SE (who incidentally is who fired RB), stopped as I as getting off the phone with one of my favorite techs. Gwen's exact words were, 'I KNOW you're not talking to a CE!' That was followed by a lot of ribbing and references to my unpopular reputation with our techs. SE joked that he'd never seen me smile, much less laugh, and Gwen kept the joke going for much longer than I was comfortable with. Every time she's stepped by my desk today, she's inquired if things are okay.. and again.. I don't understand how she can expect me to say 'Yes, soandso isn't doing their job' in front of that person. I have been notifying her via email of all the problems as they crop up. I have no desire to discuss them where everyone can hear.

Adding to the tension there is BZ. BZ is.. or WAS, I should say, our Field Manager for Illinois, Missouri, and bits of Wisconsin. Those territories have been shuffled to other managers because now, BZ is going to be OUR manager. He's being placed over Rob (who will be expected to train him in his duties), and... I just have a very bad feeling about this. The guy isn't as much of a jerk as some of our other managers out in the field, but... I don't like the way he looks at me, and I REALLY don't like the fact that an outsider with no knowledge of the history of our team or the personalities involved has been placed in that position over one of our own (that already knows how to do the job, I might add).

Which brings me to the question. Stay, or go? The job with Washington Mutual, I just don't think is going to happen. It's been nearly a month since I was interviewed, and every time I called, I was told 'next week...' So evidently, they don't want me. Fine. Their loss. But what about actively hunting?

I was raised to believe in God. God answers prayers. The answers you get might not be the ones you want to hear, but the prayers get answered. For the past month I've been praying harder than I have in my life (well, not quite, there was someth- er.. someONE.. I wanted more than to get out of this job, and I have to say that prayer was answered most satisfactorily. *leers at Roho*), and I am not feeling particularly inspired one way or another.

When I was in the accident.. Gah, was that just two weeks ago? I couldn't believe that it was happening. What kind of bad Karma did I incur to be punished like this? I talked to Mom, and, as expected, she insinuated I was being punished for living in sin, and that I wouldn't receive blessings until I either moved out, or married. Don't get me wrong; she loves Brendan like a son, and has blessed our relationship. She is just very VERY unhappy about the fact that we live together, and is quite vocal about it.

And I guess that's where things fall apart on me. I just can't believe that the kind, merciful God I was taught about in my youth would punish me for being in love and being sensible. Yes, I could have my own place, and I would have to live hand to mouth to support myself. I've had that sort of existance before, it is very unpleasant. I have a really hard time expressing who and what I think God is.. but I definately don't feel that He is someone that tallies every little thing someone does, and I would imagine He would look more kindly two people that genuinely loved each other, rather than two that lived together in a physical relationship without any emotional ties.

Guess I'm just confused and tired. I don't know how to interpret answers to prayers, so I may have BEEN answered and just don't recognize it. I suppose, in a way, the fact that two people have called on my resume when I haven't been actively searching could be my answer, but that seems a bit of a reach.

Sometimes I feel like a single-celled organism... responding to stimuli and never really being clear on what exactly the bigger picture is.

I am going to call the two people that called me. One is for a staffing agency in Vernon Hills, the other just gave me a company name (that I'm going to see if I can find online). I really hope that one of them turns out to be a good lead.

Pray for me.

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