genet (enveri) wrote,

Well... yesterday and last night were pretty much a wash. I couldn't shake the feeling that Bren was upset with me, and he couldn't understand why I was so withdrawn.

Sometimes it feels like we can't talk to each other. Hurt feelings and pride refuse to take a back seat to communication. I wonder how much of that is my fault. He does come off as rather unapproachable sometimes, but I think...that's probably because he reminds me of people I knew in a past life... whose reactions to my overtures aren't something Bren would do. So yes, this could be skewed perceptions and old demons on my part.

We cuddled together and watched tv for a bit when I got home, then went to bed. He didn't curl up around me like he usually does, which made me wonder, but... I think insecurities are getting the better of me again.

In the middle of the night, I woke up convinced that he was furious about my postings yesterday, and ended up crying for an hour or two. This, of course, woke him up. He didn't seem very pleased, but he did hold me until I relaxed enough to fall asleep. This morning, there was still a lot of tension, so we started talking things out. It wasn't very pleasant (It rarely is, since Bren is logical and usually right..and I'm not. :P ), but not that bad either. He kept saying that he was just worried about me, which is a phrase that I'm starting to dislike intensely. It makes me feel like I'm a huge emotional drain, or some other negative connotation.

Things were still really tentative when I left for work (early, so I could hit the post office), but improved as the day progressed. I managed to find the correct forms for work at the post office, and went ahead and picked up a couple of change of address forms while I was at it.

It felt a little odd filling that out and sending it in. As much as I've moved around, I've never left a forwarding address before. There are a lot of phone calls to make... my insurance, the company my truck loan is through, the collections agent for my old apartment in Dallas... it has a feeling of permenence, of stability. I'm still not sure that moving to this particular apartment is a good idea; it's expensive, and pulling my share will stretch my resources, but... it's a lot nicer than where we are now, and.. it'll feel like home. As soon as I get September behind me, with all the moving expenses and my ticket, I am going to spend a little on myself. A birthday gift for Bren, a new computer desk, and maybe a KVM. After that, going back to knocking the debts out. Mom and Dad got a call from a creditor looking for me. When will it end? I'll be really glad when I have my past behind me- all paid for and forgotten. Turns out the creditor mom and Dad were contacted by was representing Northwestern State University. I remember my semester there clearly. I took one class - dropped the others, but was charged for 4 classes. I remember going up ot Natchitoches with Desi to try and resolve it too. Stupid school. $935 that I simply don't have.

Looking at what I owe is simply depressing. I'm on a payment plan with my old apartment, and I really need to get on a payment plan with my old student loan. But it's been in default for so long, I'm not sure if they'll work with me anymore. Grr. I need to check and make sure the old Dodge Spirit was in Mike's name only, and that the loan didn't show up on my credit report. This is really something I need to do soon, so I can work out a budget and get a repayment plan going. I don't think I'll qualify for any sort of debt consolidation, since none of this is credit card debt, and there really isn't that much of it.

I may run an experiment this weekend. I don't know if my old bank reported the delinquincy to a credit agency. They hadn't as of March. So this weekend, going to try and open an account with another bank. If it fails, I get a free ChexSystems report. If it goes through, I get a MUCH better bank. I can continue using TCF for things like my EQ account or something. That will work nicely, I think. Worth a try at least.

Work has been alternately busy and slow today. With Monday being a holiday, I rather expected this. Tomorrow should be even more dead.

I'm really tempted to work on something to submit to Yerf. I've been looking over their website and boards, and the difference in quality from VCL is amazing. There are still immature little idiots posting everywhere, but they are limited to one or two boards. The quality of the art is really different as well - not all of it is top standards, but it's better than the chicken scratch I usually see posted to VCL.

But anyway... Bren is looking for attention, and I want to look at banks.

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