genet (enveri) wrote,

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Aug 28

Well, here we go. I've decided to try keeping a paper journal again, as opposed to this one. Teh whole privacy factor along with convenience is what decided me.

I was talking to Regan a few weeks back about journaling, and she mentioned that she didn't understand why I kept one online. I had to think about that for a while. My original reasons for choosing to keep my LJ was so I could share thoughts and experiences with friends without having to say the same things over and over. And yeah, I admit, I wanted to see people comment, just so I knew they were paying attention.

Now... I realize that the public journal thing isn't what it's cracked up to be. People read more into what I'm saying that I intend, and get angry and hurt feelings; or I have to constantly bite my tongue and keep quiet about things I want to speculate on... for fear that the wrong person will read it and get hurt/angry that I'm talking about them.

Today has been a fairly shitty day. Day 4 of my period, which has been lightening, so I was hoping that it was stopping. No such luck. Of course. Add to that, I'm so lethargic that I have a really hard time getting out of my own way. I suspect that the period, the diet, and my thyroid may be the culprits. I really need to have my thyroid prescription renewed. Maybe Dr Allen can do that in October when I have my next depo shot.

Anyway, I've felt really out of sorts lately - I feel guilty, almost. Bren hasn't been getting very much online attention, and I guess I'm afraid he's going to start looking for it elsewhere. Today, we had a slight... argument, I guess you could call it. Someone posted yet another angst ridden whiny post in their journal, and I happened to read it right before reading another post by someone else on the same general subject. Soo... open mouth, insert foot. The complaint was about wanting to be better at certain activities; and my rant was about people that want things and aren't willing to work for it. Of course, this caused some...rather spectacular fireworks, shall I say. Bren... was less than pleased at the ramifications at my actions, since it could have blown up into something rather nasty. This is a bit frustrating. I understand his viewpoint- he said once that when I start getting annoyed at people, I start getting punchy, and I say things that aren't necessarily what I mean... and I agree with that. I'm just frustrated because I get angry and annoyed at people acting selfish, manipulative, or just plain stupid, and I have to bite my tongue; since whatever I say will inevitably start a fire. Feh.

Bren just got home and ooered over the art I left him this morning, so I guess he's not too upset anymore. I hope not... it really bugs me when I've done something to upset him (even more so when I know it's deserved).

I need a vacation. From stress, from financial worries, from responsibility. All those years I thought i'd be happy if I was in a relationship with someone. I know that relationships mean work, and aren't easy, but I wasn't prepared to deal with making a really good relationship work.... and I know I still have a long way to go.

I've made a lot of changes in my life... trying to manage money more responsibly, better personal habits (my old apartments were slovenly at best), and I'm determined not to be a freeloader. Unfortunately, my income isn't very accomodating to my pride, and it rankles when Bren has to cover the grocery bills, or that my truck has sat for nearly 6 months unrepaired because I don't have the money to spare to get it fixed. To be fair, I have spent $500 towards getting out of debt, and $1200 on my truck. So maybe not so bad...

I want to upgrade my computer this fall, and get a real computer desk so I can stop using the kitchen table. Those are my goals. Guess we'll see what happens.

Now Bren is home and done with his run, so time to find out if he's still upset at me. He's being sweet and affectionate, so probably not.

More later.

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