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Jun. 17th, 2002

I have an appointment with the doctor for thursday morning. The bleeding does seem a little lighter this morning (a contrast from the weekend, when it was heavier), but I'm afraid that the doctor isn't going to take me seriously when I describe the problems I've been having.

I feel almost certain she's going to brush off the abdominal pain as menstrual cramps, and the depression and anxiety as pms.

*sigh*

I have had really bad experiences with doctors. I hate visiting them, because they very rarely listen to what I tell them. They know my body better than I do, despite the fact that I live in it every day. Yeah.

What's worse, is when I describe a pain or a problem (ie my knees), they take one look at me and dismiss it, attributing the problem to my weight. They assume that I want dieting advice, or that I'm not doing anything about losing weight. I'm a fat woman. I must consume twinkies and watch soap operas all morning! *sigh*

I know I have a problem, I know I need help. It's not natural to bleed like this, and the moods... I need help. But now that I've made the committment and set an appointment with the doctor, I really really don't want to go. I don't want to go there and ask for help only to be brushed off. I have no faith in doctors. I don't want to be asked the same questions about my family history that I don't know the answer to and that I answered last time I was there.

I don't know why I suddenly feel so... upset and anxious about this. Maybe I'm afraid of what they'll tell me. Maybe I'm just afraid. Well.. yes. I'm terrified of what's happening. I don't understand it, and the more I think about it, the more distraught I become.

I need to find a distraction, but there isn't much I can do. The house is spotless; there's no point in cleaning things that are already clean. I could lay down, but I've had a lot of abdominal pain this morning, and I don't think I can escape into sleep.

I have an hour before I can leave for work. Maybe I'll crawl into a scalding hot bath.

Maybe.

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