genet (enveri) wrote,

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erf. I had another strange dream last night. I dreamt I was back at my old high school campus, and was looking for my best friend. It's not the first time I've dreamt of him and his roommate lately, and I'm beginning to wonder if my subconcious is trying to tell me something. The two guys were my best friends. Closer than siblings, the three of us. And I wouldn't know how to even start trying to find them. Only one of them graduated with me, the other, Mathew, dropped out and went to a regular high school to graduate. (I went to Louisiana School for Math, Science, and the Arts, a "gifted and talented" high school) I suppose I could check the alumni records for Mike (Disney)... but.. Matt wouldn't be listed. I know he lives somewhere in Nashville, TN. Or at least, he did... he married a girl whose father was involved in a record company or somesuch.. The girl also dropped out of our high school, and... well.. let's just say that if he's in trouble, she's most likely the cause.

Why is it that the nicest guys get involved with the most self centered, ego centric, bitchy women? (This girl got Matt to marry her by getting pregnant with another man's baby. And yes, he knew before he married her that it wasn't his.)

*sigh* And if I could find either of them... what would I say? I had a feeling you were in trouble and needed me? Oh yes, that would sound real intelligent. I've drifted away from so many of my childhood friends... people that I loved like siblings when I was in high school. For some, it was because they were happily married and starting families while I was dealing with divorce and money problems. For others... I guess we both just grew up, and while I loved the adolescent, I didn't particularly like the adult.

Now that I'm in a happy relationship... (no family looming on the horizon, and unlike 4 years ago, I definately think that's a Good Thing) I have no particular desire to renew those relationships. I have been in contact with a friend of mine that lives downstate- She was my best friend since we were 13. I taught her how to ride horses, she retreated when Mike left me. I don't blame her for that- She has a host of her own problems. Mine was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. But I think it definately pushed a wedge between us that she seems in no hurry to broach. We made half-hearted plans to get together before they left for Louisiana for the summer, but.. here is the summer, and I never got responses to my email.

Mom recently sent me the phone number and address of another friend of mine... who was a month older, and my inseperable companion since I was old enough to walk. Steph moved to Oklahoma when we were 12... we kept sporadic touch, then lost contact after graduation when she got married. Right before I married, she called to tell me that she was getting a divorce. I don't think she knows about mine. Mom told me that she's moved back in with her mother... and that she's unmarried and pregnant. *sigh* I'm not sure I want to renew that friendship, and it's horrible to say that. I've just noticed that once a friend becomes a mother, there is a part of her life that I can't... share in? Understand? She becomes wrapped up in concerns that I honestly don't care about. Or rather, it's not that I don't care, but... I guess I don't fully understand the mysteries of motherhood. I'm standing outside peeking through a window, and I don't particularly care for that feeling. I've drifted away from more than one friend because of their children... and I've noticed now that the majority of my close female friends are nearly rabid about birth control. They don't want children.

Now.. well.. I guess I've never had a lot of seriously close friends. I make good aquaintances whereever I go... then when I leave that place, we gradually forget one another. Single serving friends, I suppose, to steal a phrase. There's a woman in Michigan that in the 5 months I've been in Chicago, I've been meaning to write to- to let her know how I'm doing. She kept me sane up there.. she was one of my coworkers at Miracle Ear. And I wanted to thank her for everything she did to help me. But I haven't done it. I keep forgetting... or putting it off. Inertia grabs me, I suppose.

I can't help but wonder how many of my friends will stay in touch when we move to Maine. How many will still be my friends by the time we move? Human relationships are such fluid things... all it takes is a chance word... or a change in someone's life... and paths will diverge.

I'm not bitter or upset about this. My best friend is my lifemate. My partner. Where he goes, I go. While he's happy, I'm happy. I have no fears of being alone ever again. And even if, through some cruel twist of fate, I do end up alone, I know I'll survive it. I'll find friends to comfort me, then get on with the business of living. But all the same... it isn't something I like to think about. ;) I just found him. I could spend eternities with him and still not be ready to let him go.

Anyway... this is turned from a musing over dreams into commentary on friendships. Not exactly what I intended.

So to change the subject, I am diving back into Jean Auel's Earth's Children series. Ooh. As many times as I have read these books, each time, the story leaps off the pages at me, and I get lost in prehistoric earth. Ms. Auel is a wonderful storyteller, and I am practically salivating at the thought of reading Shelters of Stone. Plains of Passage, the 4th book, came out... mm. I think i was 16 when I read it. So I've had quite a wait for book number 5. ;) I'm not as eager to get Diana Gabaldon's 5th book in her Outlander series, although the story is just as excellent. Perhaps it's because I've read the series 5 times within the last 2 years. I need a bit of distance from it before diving in. Although I think that once I'm debt free, I am going to go ahead and start picking up the series in hardcover. Ditto with Earth's Children. I noticed on Melanie Rawn's website that the long awaited Captal's Tower (Book 3 of Exiles) is still not written. They've been promising a release for two years now. That makes me just the slightest bit grumpy. ;) She left me hanging on book 2 (Mageborn Traitor) and dammit, I want to know what happens! If you are looking for a good high fantasy series, I highly recommend Rawn. You fall in love with the characters, and the stories are richly told.

But anyways.. it's getting late and I should probably get started on my morning walk. Ugh. Excercise is good. Yes, it is.

I will touch briefly on work before I close this. Since LE quit, work has been... blissful. Yes, we have a bit of a crunch in the afternoons when myself and CH are taking lunch breaks, but on a whole, it's been far more pleasant. I do sometimes feel like CH is letting me carry the brunt of the phone work, but.. eh.. that's okay. I'll be moved out of this department as soon as someone else is hired and trained. They're moving me to an earlier shift, and into our First Time Fix department... a quality control department that tracks what the technicians do onsite to make sure that we can fix the problem with the first visit. It should be fun. There's a lot of tedious paperwork, which I revel in. Anything to get me off the phones. ;) Unfortunately, there's no raise involved. We had a meeting on Thursday and found out the disturbing news that no one in the company has gotten a raise for about 2 years now. We haven't been doing well. However, we got our foot in the door with a major manufacturer, and are working on a deal with another major company that I will not name quite yet. We also, as of last Tuesday, became an Authorized Service Provider for Hewlett Packard, which means more business for us.

I think once I see that all our techs have gone back to 40 hour workweeks (their hours have been cut to 30), I'll know that resuming our stock and 401k benefits as well as raises will be forthcoming. Hopefully the rest of the year will show good things for the company. For the first time in my life, I actually care if the company I work for makes a profit beyond the worries about keeping my job. It's an interesting feeling. I plan on being with ARC until we make the move to Maine... and thus far, the company has been really good to and for me. So we'll see what the future holds.

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