Bleh.
I haven't had much motivation to rewrite the thing, since it was rather long, so I decided to go ahead and write a new entry and just touch on the important points from Monday.
We cleaned out the bedroom (mostly) monday... the closet is neat and clean and I'm doing my best to keep it that way. There's some organization and cleaning that still needs to be done... mostly cleaning up under the bed, and need to clean off my "computer desk". The kitchen floor needs to be swept and mopped, and the other floors need a really thorough vacuuming. Unfortunately still waiting to hear if Brendan's parents will be here this weekend... if they aren't, that gives us a bit more time.
While we were cleaning, I accidentally knocked this plastic branch off the shelf and onto the floor. It was in snark's tank originally, and we were going to use it again when we get her a larger tank. Wellllll.. I kinda broke it. Bren wasn't upset, but I was. I stomped around and pouted for a while... I didn't mutter to myself as is my usual wont when I'm angry at something I've done, mostly because I didn't want him to know how upset I was. I figured that he'd think I was upset at him, or he'd get upset himself. So I figured it was better kept to myself. If he noticed, he didn't say anything.
This is important because yesterday when I arrived at work, I discovered that the bowl I had my vegetable soup in leaked all over Bren's expensive, illustrated hardback copy of Tolkien's works. I was definately feeling like I had the touch of death at that point, and emailed him in a tearful panic. He was, again, forgiving, and I spent the first part of my shift fighting tears and trying to stop kicking myself. Fortunately after a couple of hours, I felt better and was able to spend the afternoon in a pleasant email tag with him.
I did spend several hours yesterday listening to a friend who recently had a... painful disappointment in the romance department. My heart bleeds for them... I always feel so guilty for being happy in my relationship whenever I see someone who isn't so lucky. I hate seeing friends in pain... and I always feel so helpless.. because there is absolutely nothing I can do, and I feel stupid mouthing platitudes. I know how little they help and how frustrating they can be to hear.
That put me in a bit of a funk, reflecting on my own heartbreaks... reliving pain, embarassment, shame... A lot of times in the recent past I've had to put my time in Michigan completely out of my mind, because thinking about it makes me feel... angry, hurt... humiliated... I look back and see where I could have done things differently, and I ask myself if I had done them differently, would I have had to leave? I still think I was done wrong, and rehashing it doesn't do me any good. I just wish I could permanently close that chapter of my life and not have those doubts crop up every so often.
Anyway - Thinking those thoughts, I stumbled onto
arrjaysketch's memories about religion and once again pondered my belief systems. We went to one of the Unitarian churches once, and I... wasn't really comfortable there. I wonder if I'd be comfortable in any church.. I've taken the Faith Selector several times, and each time it puts me in some sort of Protestant faith. I was raised LDS and still have a lot of their beliefs, but I have no interest in becoming active in that faith again. I was interested in the pagan religions for a while, but.. the ones I've been exposed to, I simply have a hard time believing in. Tarot and spiritual communication to me are something for fun. I can try all I want, but I can't experience what they say I'm supposed to; therefore I have very little faith in the existence of said talents or phenomena. I think I'll talk to Bren about trying some of the other unitarian churches in the area. Of all the churches I've looked at, they do seem to be the closest to my own beliefs. I just need to overcome my own shyness and accept the fact that it isn't going to be like what I'm used to.This morning has been fairly uneventful. I woke up with Bren, drug myself out of bed after an unsuccessful attempt at more sleep, made the bed, popped in my contacts and weighed in. I've been fluctuating on this 4lb scale for about a week, and haven't gone above a certain point in that time. This is a full 13 lbs from where I started on April 15th, so I managed my goal to lose 10lbs in month 1. I keep reminding myself of this when I get discouraged.
I am rather pleased at managing my morning routine since Sunday. Get up, weigh in, hop on the treadmill for 10 minutes, then go on about my rat killing. I'm really enjoying the treadmill, although I think I'm going to have to adjust the incline; it's killing my right knee.
Anyway, I have a few things I need to get done this morning, so I am going to close until later.
