genet (enveri) wrote,

[Warcraft] This is a note for ippylovesyou

The rest of you can feel free to skip. :)

*pedantic teaching hat is ON*

Perpetually sleep deprived, unhealthy complexion from too much time in the dark and endlessly mussy hair leaves Moe's physical appearance with a lot to be desired.

This is a run on sentence that kind of tumbles over itself. The image it evokes is great- I get a mental picture of someone with suitcases under her eyes, super pale skin, and very mussed hair, but we could maybe rephrase it so that it’s less tumbly and more structured:

Leaving much to be desired, Moe’s physical appearance is disheveled and unhealthy looking from lack of sleep and sunlight

Her body is flat and uninteresting when it comes to any distinct feminine features and if not for her voice (which tends to be quite dead pan) and vaguely effeminate jaw line it would be difficult to identify her gender at all.

Tira did an excellent job on the rephrase here. Moving on!

Her black hair is short and styled in a way that could only be described as "never seen a brush in its life", but luckily she keeps it short enough that it has yet to become one massive tangle, but it appears her attempts to tame it always end in vain. Her bangs are long and cover her eyes almost completely, making the only really distinguishing features she has that messy hair and the mole under her left eye.

Okay! So we’re trying to get the point across that her coiffure is not her biggest priority. Which you have done, but I think you’ve OVERdescribed it a tad. Let’s try...

Her black hair is cut short and is not so much styled as tangled. It is cut short enough to avoid becoming one massive snarl, but is still long enough for her bangs to flop over her eyes, covering them almost completely.

Now, you mention a mole here, but it’s not mentioned anywhere else in your description, so instead of tacking it onto that paragraph like an afterthought, let’s address it a little more smoothly. These two paragraphs can either stand alone, or be mushed together for one and still read smooth and logically.

With her androgynous figure and general dishevelment, it could be said that her only distinguishing features are her perpetually mussed hair and a small mole under her left eye.

In stark comparison to her unkempt physical appearance, Moe's armour is well polished and cared for. Her selection of weapons are all equally as well cared for, sharpened and cleaned. A heavy, dark steel chain connects to the front and the back of her right pauldron, leading over her chest and across her back and is attached to the heavy, protective metal cover of her libram which rests against her left hip. The chains are long enough to allow her to reference the libram whenever she needs to.

I think you’re getting a little caught up in the detail here. The general idea (I think) you’re going for is that she takes care of her gear and has a libram on a chain on her hip. So! Let’s try:

Moe does not appear to hold her armor and equipment with the same lack of regard as the rest of her appearance, however. Her breastplate and pauldrons are well-oiled and gleaming, and her arsenal of weaponry all boast sharp points and clean blades. A heavy chain made of a dark metal loops over her body to the protective metal cover of her libram, allowing her to reference the tome easily

Now obviously… all of this is just suggestions. This is your character, your sandbox. I love your concept. I don’t think your flag, as you have it now, is horribly immersive breaking (one of my old RP partners had the absolute WORST grammar, but he was the most fantastic roleplayer, so I didn’t mind. :D), so… use or no, or take my suggestions and tweak them more to make them wholly yours.
Either way, have a blast with the character. :)
Tags: flags, grammar critique, roleplay, warcraft

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