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Months of not feeling up to writing, then two updates in a week. Huh.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days about childhood memories and things with my past. On Tuesday evening, I wasn't feeling very well, so I skipped my usual internet activities in favor of a quiet evening. When I went to work on Wednesday, I was feeling worse and a cough had settled into my chest. I'd been there about 45 minutes when my boss came to my desk and suggested I go home. I put up a token argument, then gladly followed her suggestion.

I went to bed; I don't like taking naps, but I slept around 4 hours, got up feeling even worse. I took some Dayquil (all hail the mighty Q) and hoped to feel better in the morning. I didn't. Called in to work (this is Thursday now), then ran an errand (FYI? Massachusetts RMV has the -stupidest- system I've ever worked with), then went to the local walk-in clinic I'd seen back in February for bronchitis.

Things were... strange. I expected them to give me a nebulizer treatment, an antibiotic, tell me to drink lots of fluids and get some rest. I expected it to be more bronchitis. Around 2pm, after I'd been there for 2 hours, they informed me that they were very very concerned about my pulse rate and blood pressure, and that they wanted to send me downstairs to the ER (Our walk-in clinic is in a hospital) for intravenous fluids and a chest x-ray.

I won't recount the details of the afternoon. As frustrating and exhausting as the whole experience was, I am still impressed by the hospital's staff. The ER was incredibly busy, and we were still done around 6 hours after I walked in the door at the walk-in clinic upstairs.

Chest x-rays and so forth revealed either pneumonia or pneomonitis in both lungs. I was told one then the other, and both are on my discharge paperwork. For the sake of simplicity, we'll say I have pneumonia.

Now. The reason for all this leadup. I have not had pneumonia as an adult. I've had bronchitis a number of times, but the last time I suffered from actual pneumonia, I think I was around 14. Thinking back over my childhood, I can distinctly remember 7 times, being sick with this illness, not counting the times I was hospitalized with it as a toddler.

This week, I have missed my mother a lot. Roho has provided exceptional care, don't get me wrong! But I have intensely strong memories of my mother bathing my fevered brow, setting up a humidifier next to my bed with pillows and wedges to lift my torso to clear my breathing, pounding my back for me. I think it was Friday that Bren went out and got some ice cream for me, reminiscent of the ice cream in flat sprite my mother used to make when I was sick.

I have much stronger associations than I ever expected to, of lung disorders with my mother's touch, and I miss her a great deal right now. This is probably exacerbated by the book I'm reading, as I developed my love for this author from her influence, but.. that's another post.

I would like to turn this into some sort of deep, insightful post, but.. to be honest, I'm still very ill, and I'm really just missing my mother. I guess this is a message to all you moms out there... your daughters may move away and marry (or find a significant partner), and as wonderful as their SOs take care of them, it's just not the same.

And yes. Bren is taking excellent care of me. I am going to attempt to go back to work tomorrow, we'll see how I manage.



( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 28th, 2011 02:37 am (UTC)
Given the circumstances of the last four months of my life, this was a thought provoking post and reminds me of several similar moments I've had.

Heal quickly!
Mar. 28th, 2011 11:58 am (UTC)
Last week, or the week before, on two separate nights, I had nightmares that my parents each individually died. One night it was my mother, one night it was my father. I woke up crying both times, even now, recounting this, I feel tears streaking down my cheeks.

I am not going to handle losing either of them with grace or aplomb. Even though my mother isn't the woman I grew up with anymore (age, chronic health problems and her mental health have all taken their toll on her stability), I still wish I could lay my head in her lap and have her hug me right now.

*tight hug* And I know your mom knows you miss her. I don't know what, if anything, comes after this life, but... I want to believe our loved ones keep an eye on us.
Mar. 28th, 2011 02:40 am (UTC)
Ick. D: I hope you feel better soon.
Mar. 28th, 2011 11:58 am (UTC)
Me too. Didn't make it to work this morning. Showering and getting dressed was utterly exhausting. -.-
Mar. 28th, 2011 03:07 am (UTC)
*hugs* Hope you feel better soon!
Mar. 28th, 2011 11:59 am (UTC)
Thank you. *hug* I do too.
Mar. 28th, 2011 03:24 am (UTC)
Eep hon. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. *hugs*
Mar. 28th, 2011 11:59 am (UTC)
Thanks. :) The disease? illness? I have no idea what to even call this. :P will run it's course, I'd just rather it do it sooner rather than later.
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:03 pm (UTC)
Eek! I'm sorry you're stuck being so sick right now. :C *hugs* Very much hope this'll work out of your system soon. And I soooo know what you mean about Moms and being sick. Others may try, but its not quite the same. Mine would bring me super chilled Gatorade to sip on and there's just something about the way she'd be around that made everything feel like it was safe to go ahead and just be sick for a while.
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:40 pm (UTC)
I remember once I was very very ill with pneumonia, and I kept having fever/chills cycles. My mother's friend had passed away, and she had driven 3 hours to go to the funeral. That was the most miserable day I had ever spent, tossing, turning, fever dreams that Mom was gone and wasn't coming back.

She still feels horribly guilty for leaving me alone that day, and that was nearly 20 years ago. :(
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:20 pm (UTC)
Sending healing thoughts, get well soon! I was thinking about you and Roho recently already. Take it easy on yourself!

And I know there's some melancholy, missing your mom... but it's good to be reminded of those warm memories too.
Mar. 28th, 2011 12:41 pm (UTC)
We were talking about you, actually! Something about coming out here to take a class. >.>

I'll call her later, and try and catch her at home. It's not as good as an actual hug, but I'll take it. :)
Mar. 28th, 2011 04:05 pm (UTC)
(hug) I hope you're feeling better soon.
Mar. 28th, 2011 10:31 pm (UTC)
I hope you feel better soon!
Jul. 29th, 2011 10:06 pm (UTC)
Reading this and the comments (yes, I only added you today and I am always weeks/days behind reading LJ anyway) has made me think deeply about all of my (and my brother's) childhood illnesses and how my mother behaved with us at those times. Lets just say my memories are not as good. I may write a post about this if my thoughts develop that far.

Also, I hope that you are feeling a lot better by now!

Jul. 29th, 2011 10:11 pm (UTC)
Aww, thank you! For the sentiment and the little hyperlink note. :)

My relationship with my mother is much more complicated than it once was, but I do have those sweet memories when I need them. I'm sorry to hear yours are not as pleasant.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )

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