June 17th, 2002

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Yesterday was the conclusion to the most relaxing weekend I think I've had in a very long time.

We didn't get very much done productively, and the only housework we did all weekend was cleaning up after our meals (and thanks again, roho for doing the dishes last night. I was tired. =) )

Since my entries are generally long and rambly, a Collapse )
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i'm learning dvorak slowly... already picking up speed with some of the letters!

(and before you ask, no, I used QWERTY to write my last entry.......I'm not that masochistic ;) )
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I have an appointment with the doctor for thursday morning. The bleeding does seem a little lighter this morning (a contrast from the weekend, when it was heavier), but I'm afraid that the doctor isn't going to take me seriously when I describe the problems I've been having.

I feel almost certain she's going to brush off the abdominal pain as menstrual cramps, and the depression and anxiety as pms.


I have had really bad experiences with doctors. I hate visiting them, because they very rarely listen to what I tell them. They know my body better than I do, despite the fact that I live in it every day. Yeah.

What's worse, is when I describe a pain or a problem (ie my knees), they take one look at me and dismiss it, attributing the problem to my weight. They assume that I want dieting advice, or that I'm not doing anything about losing weight. I'm a fat woman. I must consume twinkies and watch soap operas all morning! *sigh*

I know I have a problem, I know I need help. It's not natural to bleed like this, and the moods... I need help. But now that I've made the committment and set an appointment with the doctor, I really really don't want to go. I don't want to go there and ask for help only to be brushed off. I have no faith in doctors. I don't want to be asked the same questions about my family history that I don't know the answer to and that I answered last time I was there.

I don't know why I suddenly feel so... upset and anxious about this. Maybe I'm afraid of what they'll tell me. Maybe I'm just afraid. Well.. yes. I'm terrified of what's happening. I don't understand it, and the more I think about it, the more distraught I become.

I need to find a distraction, but there isn't much I can do. The house is spotless; there's no point in cleaning things that are already clean. I could lay down, but I've had a lot of abdominal pain this morning, and I don't think I can escape into sleep.

I have an hour before I can leave for work. Maybe I'll crawl into a scalding hot bath.

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