June 15th, 2002

heart coffee


Soup is bubbling happily on the stove, garlic cheesy bread is baking in the oven, and I sold another print of Bad Dream. I am a little surprised that no one nibbled on Bath, but maybe I like it better than everyone else. Soooo, I need to give my matcutter a whirl, and get that matted and signed and all that fun stoof.

This morning I woke up, and had a few bad moments when I realized that I was still bleeding. (bleh. Making an appointment with the doc next week, I give up), but on a whole, it's been a really good day. I've lost a pound and some change since yesterday, and took the opportunity to update my weight spreadsheet. (Yes, I am an excel junkie. bite me.)

*2 hours later*

Okay. Soup was delicious, although I think it needed to cook a litttle bit longer. The carrots were more firm than I like them. Everything else turned out scrumptious, despite the fact that I accidentally had the margerine too close to the stove and it melted. Little hint folks. Soft Margerine spreads much easier than melted margerine. If you have it out to soften it, keep an eye on it. ;) But the food turned out well.

This morning after hauling myself out of bed, I took mental stock of things and decided that today was going to be a Good Day. Lately, I've had a lot of down moods, and last night roho and I had a serious talk about my depression episodes and what it was doing to our relationship. Some of the things he said really scared me, and made me realize that I have to get a handle on this, or... I could very well end up losing him. Neither of us wants to spend our lives with someone that is constantly upset and depressed. I completely understand him feeling that way; since I would feel the same in his shoes. Soooo... Monday morning, I'm making an appointment with the doctor to see what we can do. I'm hoping that there's something dietary, or herbal, that I can do or take to help fix things, since I'd really rather not resort to medication. On the other hand... I don't want to keep myself from seeking help that I need just out of pride. It's a bad situation... Part of me says I can work through it myself without any help, another, more truthful part, says I've been suffering from this for the past 10 years and it's time to admit that I need help. Sooo. We'll see what Mr. Doctor suggests.

I've decided that I'm going to try and write in my journal on a daily basis... I've almost become obsessed with cataloging and organizing my life; perhaps since I spent so much time without goals, without purpose- now I want a clear path to follow. Anyway, before I digress too much, I've decided to do this so that I'll have a... sort of log... of my moods. Just so I can see if there's some sort of pattern that's triggering the depression and anxiety. In talking to Bren last night, it occured to me that a lot of what I've been going through is... panic.. and I think I suffer more from anxiety than depression. I do have the occasional depressed mood (usually right after weighing in. gah. I'm such a tubbo. ;) ), but mostly... I feel anxiety that I'm not satisfying Bren's needs. Or that he's upset with me over something and just doesn't want to tell me. I think there's a little panic switch in my brain that triggers itself, and I sometimes am able to think, 'That is ridiculous' and regain control, but others... I can't, and I collapse into a sobbing basketcase that leaves poor Bren scratching his head and wondering what he did.

All in all, the situation is intolerable, and I'm going to do something about it.

In other news, I talked to both my mom and Bren about my plans for the truck. Mom suggested that once we move to Maine, that I go ahead and register it as a farm vehicle, since it'll only be used for hauling feed and hay and that sort of thing. I thought that was a brilliant idea, and Bren agreed. As he put it, the idea of putting a hay bale in a coupe is ludicrous.

I've gotten a lot done today, which makes me feel really good and accomplished. This morning, I zipped over to Cub and picked up some groceries (including the new Skinny Cow fudge bars), and some little blue boxes. We discovered that Budget Gourmet is about the same calorically as the green boxes of Healthy Choice but are a great deal cheaper. Cub carries them for $1.25 each, and they have a nice variety. No pizzas, but we figure we can buy the weight watchers or healthy choice pizzas when we have cravings. :) I also picked up some garlic and mozzerella tortelloni, which will be a tasty dinner tomorrow.

After shopping, I went over to Auto Zone and picked up some new windshield wipers for the truck, since the ones I had on it were beyond dead. I still need to gas it up and put air in the tires, which I think I might do tomorrow. I have to admit that I am very much looking forward to getting the new car. Getting 13 miles per gallon for gas milage sucks the big one, and with gas prices around $1.60 per gallon, it adds up really fast. Yes, I have a V8 engine (ooh.. tomatoey), but the thing drinks gas like water. I wish I had thought of that before I bought it. Guess that's one of those lessons I just had to learn the hard way. (No, lydia. Don't pet the strange doggie. No-! Well.. you don't need stitches. Quit crying.) Other than the door, which I'm hoping my father can help me with, the truck isn't giving any serious problems. The selonoid/starter problem it had earlier in the year seems to have worked itself out (for now.. we'll see how it behaves when the weather cools down this fall), so really the door is my only gripe. I just don't have the money right now to take it in and have it fixed. I may go ahead and do that while my folks are here. I have a day off, and I'll have their car to tootle around town in. It's a thought.

Anyway... we still need to go pick up father's day cards for our dads. Yes, I know. We're late.

Tonight, I think we're going to spend some QT (quality time) online, perhaps log in to Taps for some creative naughtiness, then have fajitas for dinner and pop in a movie. Bren has also promised to go over some of the basic points of the different types of savings plans with me. I know just about nothing about savings. I've always been horrible about money- Ooh. I have green stuff. Must spend! And now I have matured enough that I want to stash it away for rainy days. And to prevent more nonsense like what happened this week. grump.

I believe I am going to close for now, since I'm running low on things I want to say. I believe I'm going to go ahead and zip out and get cards (it's a gorgeous day, too pretty to be cooped up in doors) and then see what happens for the evening's entertainment. I've already got tomorrow's menu planned and none of it requires any real preparation, which is nice. The kitchen is all sparkly, and while the fridge needs to be wiped down, it's definately something that can wait until Monday. Next week will likely be a flurry of housework; but mostly because I don't want my mother to find a speck of dust more than because the apartment needs it. Cailet sheds like mad, so we can probably stand another good vacuum, but everything else seems fairly nice and clean. (Except the bathroom. But I've learned that it's impossible to keep a bathroom clean with two adults and a cat constantly using it)

So now I'm going. For real this time. Going to watch Bren play civilization until we leave. It's so cute when he accuses the computer of cheating. :)
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heart coffee

(no subject)

You know you have a special relationship when your mate calls you stinqkitty when you come out of the bathroom, and has scented candles burning in a very.. visible.. manner... and both of you find it hilarious.

I'm not one that finds bodily functions to be particularly entertaining. So I'm fairly sure the laughter that's kept bubbling up to the surface out of both of us is due to something else.

We curled up on the couch and sampled the skinny cow fudge bars (which are scrumptious if you were wondering), and watched Stargate, which I hadn't seen. And I have to say, the visuals in the movie were very very well done. Since the commission I am working on is Egyptian themed, I believe I'm going to watch that again a few times. ;)

It's been a wonderful day. We went to pick up Father's day cards at Hallmark; and I don't know about Bren's choice, but mine was *perfect* for my Dad. I can't remember how many times over the years he's fussed at me about the way I maintain my vehicles (I don't. :p)... the outside of the card starts out, 'Dad, I checked my oil the other day'... the inside says, 'It's still dark and icky'. This goes along with something I had wanted to do for his father's day, but just didn't have the time. I started to draw little scenes out of my childhood... fixing my car (my first car had... problems. Mom said it had character. ;)), the infamous canoe trip we took when I was 14 (never. ever. again.), and just the little things that my father has done for me in my life. He helped me move countless times, he taught me that cooking is more than taking something out of a can and nuking it, he gave me an appreciation of God's creations, and a love of nature. Dad and I haven't always got along. I know it was hard for him to relate to me, and understand why I felt the way I did about certain things. The fact that I was such an emotional child I think made it worse. But even when I did unforgivable things... he forgave... and let me come home when I needed to.

So to my father... Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for being firm, for instilling in me a sense of purpose, and giving me good values and morals. I know you and mom don't think you were very successful in raising me... but... the lessons you taught did sink in.

I love you both very much.

I tootled around with Paypal a bit. I had completely forgotten I had money in there. Upgraded my account to their premier service and went to have my account validated. Looking at the features they have available, I'd almost rather use them than my actual bank account. We'll see how that works out. I'm definately interested in their online bill pay feature.

We've made some tentative plans for tomorrow... mostly to finish going through my car, sorting through books and videos and decide what we're keeping and what we're donating to the library. During our browse through Blockbuster looking at the dvds for sale, I think I'm going to start a list of movies that we need to pick up on dvd. There were quite a few we saw that I covet.

Cailet is currently ripping around the living room, playing with her catnip mouse and beads. That poor kitty needs a diet. Her tummy flab flops from side to side as she runs. I may have to toss her into the bathroom tonight if she doesn't calm down. It's getting late, and I am more interested in sleeping unmolested than having a cat tapdance on my head.

I believe I'm going to go brush my teeth before I pass out at the keyboard.
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