genet (enveri) wrote,

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Been in a very oddly introspective mood the last few days, today especially. It's as if some part of me that's struggled has finally accepted the things I cannot change. It's a terribly odd feeling, and yet.. very peaceful. I rather hope it continues.

I finally have found a solution (I hope) to my constant insomnia. Taking gen's advice, I began taking melatonin before bedtime about.. a week ago. I think I've had one bad night since then, and that was due to Marcus prancing around the bed prrting at 4 AM. So for those other poor insomnia sufferers, give it a try. It worked for me.

The past few weeks have been rather whirlwindish. I can't believe it's the end of January already! I'm looking forward to getting my W2s from ARC (although from last year's example, they'll take their sweet time about it.), I already have my W2 from Crosscom.. I'm actually excited about doing my taxes this year, as this will be the first year my refund will not be garnished.

I blame a lot of what went wrong in my life on the divorce, when in actuality... a lot of it was my own fault. I suppose I started accepting responsibility for the mistakes and problems I caused back in 2002 when I first obtained a copy of my credit score and saw how awful it was. Two years later, I have nearly all my bad debts paid off, and I'm meeting with a financial advisor next month to get some advice for retirement planning and investment. It's.. extremely intimidating. Last month, I got another copy of my credit report and saw some nasty inconsistancies. I found that one of them was caused by a fubar (deliberate or not, I'm peeved) at my bank, resulting in 6 months of late payments to a creditor. Another.. I only have suspicions, since Experion did not respond to my online dispute request. I sent off a registered, return receipt letter to the creditor I suspect reported the problem. If I don't have a response within 30 days, I'll be calling a law firm skorzy told me about to get the black marks removed from my report. There's only one debt left that's in the red, and I'm hoping that they will change it from 'Bad Account' to 'Satisfactorily closed' when I make my final payment next month. After that.. the only things left should be good- my car payment (made well before the due date every month), my cell phone (ditto), and my one puny little secured credit card. I really hate the fact that it will likely take 7 years before all the damage is undone, but.. there you have it. I wish I had understood back then what I was doing to myself, but.. I don't know if I would have done things differently if I had. That was a very self-desctructive period of my life.

Brendan and I have discussed our futures a bit lately- the possibility of home ownership; the technicalities of home purchasing, mortgages.. and even beyond that. Children. Schooling. What we want to do with our lives.

There comes a point in your life when you're struck with the.. enormity of.. I guess life itself. It's very personal, despite all the clever ways the media refers to it. (The scenes from Men in Black come to mind) It makes you take a moment, step back, and observe; You look at things from a different perspective- for a brief moment, you're beyond the petty concerns of the daily grind, and you see.. beyond. I don't really know how to explain it. The end result is that some of the things you thought were of the utmost importance are seen for what they really are- petty concerns that will make no real impact on you.

I was struck today with the thought that I really want to be a good mother for any children I might bear. I really want to be a good daughter in law for my future inlaws. I want to be a good wife, to my future husband. To do all these things.. I must be what I am, to be a good person now.

There's more in my head, and in my heart.. but I think that's all I can share right now. I don't think I can get the rest into coherent thoughts, much less words.

I hope everyone has a good night, tonight. I know I will.

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