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Been in a very oddly introspective mood the last few days, today especially. It's as if some part of me that's struggled has finally accepted the things I cannot change. It's a terribly odd feeling, and yet.. very peaceful. I rather hope it continues.

I finally have found a solution (I hope) to my constant insomnia. Taking gen's advice, I began taking melatonin before bedtime about.. a week ago. I think I've had one bad night since then, and that was due to Marcus prancing around the bed prrting at 4 AM. So for those other poor insomnia sufferers, give it a try. It worked for me.

The past few weeks have been rather whirlwindish. I can't believe it's the end of January already! I'm looking forward to getting my W2s from ARC (although from last year's example, they'll take their sweet time about it.), I already have my W2 from Crosscom.. I'm actually excited about doing my taxes this year, as this will be the first year my refund will not be garnished.

I blame a lot of what went wrong in my life on the divorce, when in actuality... a lot of it was my own fault. I suppose I started accepting responsibility for the mistakes and problems I caused back in 2002 when I first obtained a copy of my credit score and saw how awful it was. Two years later, I have nearly all my bad debts paid off, and I'm meeting with a financial advisor next month to get some advice for retirement planning and investment. It's.. extremely intimidating. Last month, I got another copy of my credit report and saw some nasty inconsistancies. I found that one of them was caused by a fubar (deliberate or not, I'm peeved) at my bank, resulting in 6 months of late payments to a creditor. Another.. I only have suspicions, since Experion did not respond to my online dispute request. I sent off a registered, return receipt letter to the creditor I suspect reported the problem. If I don't have a response within 30 days, I'll be calling a law firm skorzy told me about to get the black marks removed from my report. There's only one debt left that's in the red, and I'm hoping that they will change it from 'Bad Account' to 'Satisfactorily closed' when I make my final payment next month. After that.. the only things left should be good- my car payment (made well before the due date every month), my cell phone (ditto), and my one puny little secured credit card. I really hate the fact that it will likely take 7 years before all the damage is undone, but.. there you have it. I wish I had understood back then what I was doing to myself, but.. I don't know if I would have done things differently if I had. That was a very self-desctructive period of my life.

Brendan and I have discussed our futures a bit lately- the possibility of home ownership; the technicalities of home purchasing, mortgages.. and even beyond that. Children. Schooling. What we want to do with our lives.

There comes a point in your life when you're struck with the.. enormity of.. I guess life itself. It's very personal, despite all the clever ways the media refers to it. (The scenes from Men in Black come to mind) It makes you take a moment, step back, and observe; You look at things from a different perspective- for a brief moment, you're beyond the petty concerns of the daily grind, and you see.. beyond. I don't really know how to explain it. The end result is that some of the things you thought were of the utmost importance are seen for what they really are- petty concerns that will make no real impact on you.

I was struck today with the thought that I really want to be a good mother for any children I might bear. I really want to be a good daughter in law for my future inlaws. I want to be a good wife, to my future husband. To do all these things.. I must be what I am, to be a good person now.

There's more in my head, and in my heart.. but I think that's all I can share right now. I don't think I can get the rest into coherent thoughts, much less words.

I hope everyone has a good night, tonight. I know I will.


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 26th, 2004 05:21 pm (UTC)
Careful with "long" term dosages of melatonin. There's a definite desensitization to the dosages over time. If you take it nightly for more than a week, you first start to notice its not quite working as well. I got to the point that even 3mg doesn't do the trick, so I stopped using it for a month. Its just now starting to have an effect again.

I don't know if this is typical of other users, but its something I should mention regardless.
Jan. 27th, 2004 07:02 am (UTC)
Nod.. prolonged usage tends to lessen the effects of any drug or herbal, so I'm going to take it carefully.

Thank you for the warning. :)
Jan. 27th, 2004 06:47 am (UTC)
Life planning
Please feel free to continue to hit me up for advice on the mortgage, credit and homeownership things. I tried to learn from the mistakes of those around me, and that saved me a number of times while I was doing my thing over the last six months. Despite my efforts, however, I've made a few errors of my own. Hopefully I can help you avoid the ones I experienced plus the ones I witnessed.

I continue to envy you and roho in no small way. You two make me proud to call you "loved friends," and as a couple ... it's hard not to look up to the both of you.
Jan. 27th, 2004 07:16 am (UTC)
Re: Life planning
I'm sure we'll make no small number of mistakes when it comes to our home purchase. Fortunately, after watching you, we have a much better idea of what to look for when we start looking.

I continue to envy you and roho in no small way. You two make me proud to call you "loved friends," and as a couple ... it's hard not to look up to the both of you.

Yes well. We make mistakes with each other, too. Me especially. :)
Jan. 27th, 2004 07:10 am (UTC)
Be careful with the melatonin....it's all right for short term use, but if you take it on a regular basis you will decrease the brain's ability to produce it by itself, resulting in increased insomnia and sleep disorder.

I'd suggest trying a cammomile tea instead. It's safe for long term use and effective. You could also build a sleep pillow out of hops, lavender, and cammomile. The scent will have the same affect.

I don't know how to fix my credit so I left it alone. I have accounts on there ten years old that never fell off when they should have, some of them my ex husband's.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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