genet (enveri) wrote,

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Today, haikujaguar did a tarot reading for me, and it... was a bit scary how appropriate it was.

I just.. wanted to share, and keep it here for my own personal records.

The first question was about personal development, and where I am in relation to where I need to be.

Micah pulls one card and sets another above it to get some clarification on it. The first one she gets is 'The Sibling,' which is meant to suggest some non-romantic relationship. It's a relationship that includes some strife, because the War card is above it. She would interpret that as you being at war with a part of yourself, a spiritual twin.

Q: What can help me, and what happens if I win?

Micah draws 'what will you win' first and gets the ominous 'Tomb', which indicates true death of something. She knows that usually you need to know what is dying though, so she draws the card above it and gets 'the Fortess.' "Wow!"

Q: What does that mean?

Micah says, "The Fortress is the condition of closing yourself off from love, life and the Universe in order to be safe. So what you get if you win this battle with yourself is that you will be able to tear down your fortress and leave for the sunlight."

Micah asks 'what will help Kestral in her battle?' and draws three cards: The Fog, the Survivor and Erosion. "The fog calls you to stop trying to direct your development. It means you wander forward despite not knowing where you're going or if the next step is going to take you over a cliff. You can't know this path, and you can't plan it. You just have to trust it's going to take you to the place you need to be."

Micah says, "The Survivor is self-explanatory. It means you must be self-preserving, that you have to keep going even when you think you're going to fail or things are going wrong. That you can't use things outside you as a ready excuse to stop trying."

Micah says, "Erosion can mean many things, so I asked what should be eroding and draw The Vampire. The Vampire is someone who takes energy from others out of greed, rather than giving it out of generosity and love. You must allow yourself to let go of any tendencies to cling to other people as supports, and instead learn that you can get support from other people by giving. But don't expect to make this change quickly--erosion means that you are giving up the Vampire tendencies slowly and naturally, not by purpose and on schedule. Remember the fog."

Q: What will help me succeed?"

Micah draws that as 'how do I get from my battle to the field outside the fortress' and laughs when she draws the Fool. In her deck, the fool opposes the complicated Queen as guardian of simplicity, of living each moment in joy and allowing the simple happinesses to guide him. "Don't overthink situations. Don't dwell in things too long. Move from moment to moment, look for the good in it, and let the bad fall away."

Micah thinks this is a repeating theme in this reading, between the Fog and the Fool, one of letting go and allowing things happen not according to your plan, but the Universe's divine one.

Micah draws two more cards, just to fill in the blanks. She asks what will hinder this process and gets an interesting result: the Rogue. The Rogue is the card of protection of Self. This is different from the Survivor, who simply preserves themselve and keeps moving. The Rogue actively fights to protect themselves at the cost of others. This card suggests that part of what hinders your progress is defense mechanisms you might not even be aware of that you use to keep people from getting too close to you or hurting you.

Micah says, "These are obviously contrary to the whole idea of being outside the Fortress. But I get a very interesting result when I ask what created the conditions that forced this battle, the foundation of the fight."

Micah is so puzzled by this that she asks a few more questions.

Micah says, "What makes this war in you has to do with the Martyr--who gives herself up--and the reason for the martyr is the Fallow Field, which is the card of openness. This says to me that the whole reason you closed up is because you were very open, and the openness led to self-sacrifice, and the self-sacrifice to pain and suffering."

Micah isn't sure if that's correct? But she sees a distressing pattern from it: that you are open, you are too giving, you get hurt, you close off. She asks what the theme of this long self-feeding circle is and gets confirmation in 'The Cup', which is the sign of reception, passivity, being open to receive. She would think this might be one of your lessons, then... how to balance being a receptive person with being someone who hurts and closes themselves off.

Micah asks, then, how to break this cycle and gets... the Butterfly. Symbol that all things are ephemeral, and life goes on and things change. If you can embrace the lesson of the butterfly--that both hurt and love pass on, that things will change and you with them--you will be less hurt by things and be able to prevent yourself from hiding in the fortress.

Micah would summarize the reading: You have a unique issue as a receptive and empathic person, Kestral, that you open yourself to love and to receiving love and are so hurt by things in the process that you close yourself too completely. You take things to heart so deeply that you find it hard to recover from them. You want to live in a state of openness and freedom and love, and you can: if you embrace that life is ephemeral and the things that hurt you today will be gone tomorrow, that the Universe has a plan for you that you can trust, that you can make it and that you don't need to lean on others so much... that in giving to them you can regain some of your ability to heal yourself, because giving to others in a good context can give you energy. So don't make too much of a schedule or a plan, and just trust that the next steps are taking you where you should be, and you will continue toward your goal.

The results of the reading are... very interesting, given the things I've been thinking about over the past few days. It always surprises me how perceptive Micah is. ;)

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