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I started to write a journal entry Saturday night, and.. just didn't do it.

The weekend started out on a good note- we did our usual Friday outing to Bumpers, the local pool hall. We couldn't get our regular table, as it was taken, but managed to get the one next to it, which worked just fine. We played four games.. of which I played two- and of course lost. :)

While we were there, I got an email from my mother. I won't go into a lot of detail, only that it made me angry, made me feel like she was angry that I hadn't called, and that I was somehow a bad child for not being a doormat.

This.. set a tone for my weekend.

The weekend was good- I got to spend some time with Bren playing EQ- although not the kind of quality time I was hoping to spend with him. I have a lot of pent up frustration in my life lately it seems, and I don't handle things nearly as well as I should.

In talking with a friend tonight, she said that it sounds like I've felt directionless, and I guess that would be a really good way to put it. I have goals that I'm working on, but they're all relatively short term. I don't know what I want to do with my life, beyond have Bren in it, and I'm finding that uncertainty to be... unnerving and unsettling.

She asked me what I wanted to do, what my dreams were, if I could do anything. Well, for one, I'd want to be slender and attractive, without problem skin and hair, and.. lots of other shallow materialistic things. Physically, I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat, money to buy it with. I have the things I need for my physical well-being. Emotionally.. I have the man of my dreams; the need for love is fulfilled. I really should be tremendously happy.

But.. I'm not. There are dark periods where I cry over nothing, or really stupid piddly things. I get frustrated and irritated with people that don't deserve it. There's some.. deep meaningful something lacking in my life, and I don't know what it is or where to find it. I guess if I did,
I wouldn't be writing this entry, eh?

EDIT: I think it's better to say that I *AM* happy, yet I feel that something is missing in my life. Maybe I'm just impatient because my goals aren't immediately attainable. I don't know.

That is what my ex husband told me when he left.. that there was a great emptiness inside him that he thought I could fill. When I didn't, he had no more use for me. I'd like to lay the blame for all my emotional problems down at his feet, but in all honesty, they go back to my childhood.

I don't know why, but I could never handle anything. I was seriously unbalanced. I cried when a teacher caught me cheating at a test. Went to pieces one day when my mother didn't show up to pick me up from school and I had to ride the bus home instead (called her a liar, if I recall... said
she had said she'd pick me up.. the teacher called her). So I have a long history of black moods and coming apart at the seams whenever something went wrong.

My moods have always been like summer storms- quick to brew up, dark and wet (I always cry when I'm angry or upset. I hate crying.), then blue skies after they've passed, leaving the people around me bewhildered and a little upset.

I don't like being this way.

It's now Tuesday morning (I started writing this last night), and.. the dark introspection has passed. I hate those moods, because every thought is tinged with depression and futility. Why bother doing something, when it'll just be undone later, that sort of thing. I wish I had taken the opportunity to go see a psychiatrist while still on ARC's insurance plan, as I'm not sure what my new one will cover, and I don't like the idea of having a deductible. (If I'm understanding that correctly, I have to pay up to the deductible before the insurance starts paying, right?) I'm hoping that seeing a doctor, or a counsellor, or... someone.. will help me unravel the cause of these violent mood swings, since they're quite unpleasant, they frighten me, and they worry Bren.

Anyway- I am feeling better, crappy sleep notwithstanding. I want to apologize for all the dark moody entries of late.. Hoping that things will start looking a bit brighter.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
shockwave77598
Apr. 8th, 2003 08:20 am (UTC)
*hugs* Hope you find your balance soon, dear lady.
tygermoonfoxx
Apr. 8th, 2003 08:50 am (UTC)
I would suggest getting some counselling for codependency. Once, I was a lot like you. You need to be able to come to terms with two things: you may never have your desired physical appearance and you cannot expect someone else to fill that void --- or to love you unconditionally --- until you are able to do both things yourself. When two people come together, the sum of the parts is more than the whole; they don't fill each other's emptiness; they enhance the whole parts of what was already there. You might check around, see if you can find a support group for codependent women. I promise you won't regret it.

Until you resolve those issues, you probably won't have any long term directionality because you think that the love of a good man and the meeting of your physical needs should be all it takes to fill that void. If you're lucky, like I was, you have a strong man who will be willing to support you and help you grow into independence and interdependence. Those men are rare but I think, from how you talk of him, that you've got one. Otherwise, they eventually realize that the void is something they cannot fill and they leave.

Hang in there; admitting that you don't like what is happening is the first step. Getting help --- and you can't do it alone without professional guideance--- is the next step. It took me years to learn these things. I'm hoping to save you some pain.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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